77 Best Funny Love Quotes Clinton asked the Pope, “How was your night in Hell?” “Very educational,” responded the Pope. Maybe you are giving a speech at a fisherman’s expo and opening with a farming joke will leave you flat. “How much do I owe you?” the cop asked after his haircut. You'll find political jokes about war policy, about a new stamp, and about Clinton's new dog -- just to list some of the jokes you'll find here! However, in reality political humor is one of the best types of jokes. Though it does not hurt to crack a joke once a while to lighten the atmosphere, make sure that it is not only the jokes … – Political Cats Sponsored Links ∇ Funny Political Jokes from Famous … A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet. He thought he did his country a good service. “I shall sit down,' replied the cat, sitting down, 'but I shall enter an objection with regard to your last. Add your one liner to our site and see how good it is. Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t sing and I won’t lie. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! Please Like Us On Facebook Or Follow Us On Pinterest Now, 30 Best Funny Movie Quotes After looking around, Kirk said: “Beam up, Scot. Groucho Marx on Politics. Related Funny Political Links You May Enjoy: Want more politically incorrect jokes? 32. Horrified, he starts to call for help when a speedboat pulls up along side Mr. Kerry, with George W. Bush and Dick Cheney on board. 25. Q: Why did President Obama get two terms? 43. That's why putting a joke in a political speech is a luxury, and it is always a risk. 24. "How about a one hour speech?" 30 Funniest One Liner Jokes A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States congressman!” The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”. Politicians from both major parties were locking horns. 6. Once, a politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt.Everest. Check out these one liners that can add comedy and humor to make your speech entertaining. I said: “Obama, the people are happy with you. or Interviewer: “Who pulls your strings, Bill? A … Funny Political Videos – Doug Larson. There, he meets Edward Snowden. What special interests control you?” Clinton: “You leave Hillary out of this!”. A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. "One week," he said. And the more intimate your audience is, the more important it is to understand them very well if you’re going to make a connection with them, never mind make them laugh. A: She wants to be the first lady. Politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner. “Politics” is derived from the words “poly” meaning “many”, and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking parasites.” – published by user of Urban Dictionary – first said by Larry Hardiman. A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. Check out the top 101 political humor jokes. “For your entire life you’re been a staunch Republican. A: Two: one to change it and another one to change it back again. As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar. Leader of the Catholic Church,” says Cheney. 5 out of 5 stars (1,180) $ 5.01. 2. We did our best to bring you only the funniest. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'". 12. Following is our collection of funniest Political jokes.There are some political politics jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. A priest, a politician, and a clown, walk into a bar. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. The pope says to the men, “I know that there has been a lot of attention and a lot of strife in this election, but I can see that you two men respect each other and would help each other in their house of need. Powered by  - Designed with the Hueman theme. Favorite Q. I’ve been waiting all my life to meet the Virgin Mary.” “Ooh, sorry,” said Clinton, “you should have been there yesterday.”, 28. The unreleased papers of Edward Snowden show the complex process by which Obama came up with his laws: he smoked a lot of pot. What a contrast between their soporific speeches and these witty one-liners. Now that we have your attention, get our awesomely funny app from Apple App Store for free. I asked Obama: “Why did you get a Nobel Prize?” He said: “I don’t know. '” Obama laughed and said: “Don’t worry about it. And if anyone texts you any good jokes, kindly pass them up to the front.” I’ve been told I won’t get away with a few thank yous and a quick toast. A: Senator. They are saying: ‘if not for him, we’d be where the third world is. If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. As a matter of fact, I didn't make a political speech outside of my state for 20 years. Showing jokes 1 to 10 Politicians deal with the public on the basis of the mushroom policy: Keep them in the dark and feed them manure. Check out Q: What did Bill Clinton say when asked if he used protection? “Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president ‘as soon as possible.’ So even she has had enough of President Obama.” – Conan O’Brien, 23. They arrive there and start climbing. “Yes.” another man answered. Government Political Reason. … A: Because every black man gets a longer sentence. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. Most of them are politically incorrect, so you will definitely enjoy them. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. This joke may contain profanity. Hows the bait holding up?”. “Is he still talking?” they asked him. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. Have you heard about the Osama Bin Laden celebratory drink? Enjoy the best jokes about our political process, current events, and leaders. Just because he’s black doesn’t mean he’s gonna shoot anybody. Q: What’s the difference between a magician and a politician? One day, the pope was in from Italy and after a rough week of meeting archbishops and other religious figures, he decided to go see the Galveston shore in Texas. My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. The 10 best political jokes of 2018 (so far) Image: netflix By Proma Khosla 2018-06-29 19:22:32 UTC. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. As the politician stood up to speak, a few of the men saw it as an opportunity to sneak off to the bar. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. A. Funny Political Jokes Read More » ... Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either. “It’s the Abortion Bill, Mr. President – what do you want to do about it?”. Q: Have you heard about McDonald’s new Obama Value Meal? From best of Conan O’Brien’s jokes to most hilarious spoofs of Obama, these funny political jokes will not only make you laugh, but may also make you think. 7. Joke Generators: Click Here for a random Pick Up Line; Click Here for a random Yo Mama Joke The same one as between a retard and a mildly retarded imbecile. In baseball you're out if you're caught stealing. Political Humor. Then share them with your friends. Jimmy Fallon. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. "Two weeks," he answered. “What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. 20. Here are some tips and ideas that will make your speeches memorable. You have my blessings.” The pope packs off and drives out of site. 37. 15 Best Barack Obama Jokes 5. There is no reason for the government to limit political speech. 27. 30. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. “Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”. We did our best to bring you only the funniest. Related Funny Political Links You May Enjoy: We’ll get there soon.”. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed. 20 Best Banker Jokes The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. Get it because it has lots of funny jokes that will make you laugh. “Well,” said the first triumphantly, “if you attended more council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s planning to open a new strip club in our town.” Furious and wanting to do the damage, the opponent responded: “Have you heard of Alex Moskowitz?” “No.” said the first, and then asked: “Who is he?” “Well,” said the second. Enjoy the best jokes about our political process, current events, and leaders. Bush. 42. Do you know a funny one liner? All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. “No charge, officer,” the barber answered. "They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. 15. You can't start a speech until you are sure of your central point — the idea … Get to the Point — Quick! The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell … 36. A new arrival to Gulag is asked: "What were you given … On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing. How many White House interns does it take to screw in a light bulb? Political speeches. Check out our political jokes selection for the very best in unique or custom, handmade pieces from our shops. Submit A joke. None, they are too busy screwing the President. Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old. Give a funny speech and you could save the world. “No charge, Father,” the barber said. I know you feel grateful I saved you from Russians.”. There is a long-running joke that I am the Zodiac Killer, which is not something there usually is about people who are universally liked. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some … 3. A liberal is just a … What’s the difference between Bush and Obama? joke bank -Political Jokes . Remember, when you deliver a campaign speech, the audience is not going to be just your friends, but also your colleagues, peers, former instructors, and people with authority or power. Why would you want to become a Democrat now?” “Because I’d rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.”, 4. It’s two shots and a splash of water. The first one makes fun of a negative attitude to political … “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” said his friend. Bush says, “Well that’s all neat and fine, but he doesn’t know anything about shark fishing. Bush asks, “Who was that?” “That was the pope Mr. President, he is all knowing and in touch with God. A local council debate was becoming increasingly heated. (Compare with a similar East German joke about Stasi.) Then it crashed into the tree and overturned. Two large collections of Best political jokes exist. More jokes about: life, political The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. When he arrives in his pope mobile, he sees a man struggling for his life against a shark. Political Jokes Flex your political humor with our collection of funny political jokes. 31. I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn’t swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. Apparently, as Best Man, I’m supposed to sing the Groom’s praises and talk about his good qualities. Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. Do not steal – the government does not like competitors. Joke Generators: Click Here for a random Pick Up Line; Click Here for a random Yo Mama Joke Political Humor. See more ideas about church humor, jokes, christian humor. Gore Vidal; On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.' A politician was a guest speaker at the golf club dinner. These jokes are concerned with politicians and heads of state, but may also cover the absurdities of a country’s political situation. Political speeches. Q: How did we know that Monica would testify? Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? 19. An hour later, with the politician still talking,  another man joined them. – "Yes" – "And how many have you collected so far?" People are like “give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra…anything but another white man! Red or blue, young or old, stay up to date on what's happening in DC, without taking it too seriously. 17. Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton’s inaugural ball. Republicans & Democrats are like divorced parents who care more about getting the kids to hate the other one than they are their well-being. Each joke is labeled, and all have been filtered for the best quality. or 27 Best President Jokes Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and George Washington are on a sinking ship. or Enjoy. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. I was walking down the street and I punched of a white guy and then I was arrested for assault. ... It’s a real shame that Barrack Obama recently had to give a speech stood behind bullet proof glass. See more ideas about church humor, jokes, christian humor. Absolutely hillarious political one-liners! 15 Best Fox News Jokes See more ideas about political humor, political jokes, jokes. Apr. Jon Lovett. Red or blue, young or old, stay up to date on what's happening in DC, without taking it too seriously. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope. 1. Check out these funny political jokes we have found for you. Once, a politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt.Everest. Political jokes and one liners that make fun of the ruling elite. Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. These funny speech openers have been written for you as a guide. A: Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door. “No charge,” the barber replied. A: Because she has a history of not being able to keep her mouth closed. The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. “How much do I owe you?” he asked afterward. AhaJokes: Political Jokes LaughFactory: Politically Incorrect Jokes Kevin Hart Funny Quotes. My college roommate wrote, “Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being. When asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton, 86% of women in D.C. said, “Not again.”. Check out these 27 Best Presidential Jokes we have found for you. Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill Clinton first thing in the morning? In 2018, standup comedy is almost as inescapable as politics, and … She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?” He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but she’s from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. When he brought it home, his wife asked him: “Where did you get this money, honey?” He answered: “If somebody asks, that’s the money your grandma left us.”, 11. Politician got a bribe of five hundred thousand dollars. 2. “if you attended fewer council meetings, you would’ve known that he’s the man who’s been sleeping with your wife.”, 10. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. 40. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run for president! Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “I consider it a service to my country.” The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. Check out these 27 Best Presidential Jokes we have found for you. "Give me your money," he demanded. "Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. The next day after I got out, I punched a black guy and I was arrested for impersonating a police officer. Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.”. Then George W. Bush and Dick Cheney begin to beat the shark to death with baseball bats. 17 Best John Boehner Jokes One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. 63 Really Funny Star Wars Jokes A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. 44. 27 Best Presidential Jokes After death, Obama tricks God into letting him to heaven. Reddit: Your Favorite Politically Incorrect Joke Bill Clinton broke out in rage after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled. Jokes4us.com - Jokes and More. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. 14. A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her name?” He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.” There is a pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?”, 35. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. I was pleasantly surprised how funny politician jokes could be. If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress? If these reasons aren't good enough for you, get it because we're insecure and need your approval. “I consider it a service to my community.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. Also includes some hilarious Coronavirus jokes. Submit A joke. And if they do make you think, we apologize: we know you don’t want to think. Get it because it's faster than the guy who's running to pee. Following is our collection of Speeches jokes which are very funny. Gore Vidal; On my arrival in the United States I was struck by the degree of ability among the governed and the lack of it among the governing.' Political jokes, clean, updated often, and ranging in topics from elections to Clinton. About.com: Political Humor All in favor raise your hand. Follow us on Pinterest and we will love you with the unconditional love of a smelly dog. Political Jokes are usually a form of satire. On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight? 26. A bus full of politicians was moving along the country road. What's the difference between baseball and politics? 29. As the boat sinks, George Washington heroically shouts: “Save the women!”, George W. Bush hysterically hollers: “Screw the women!”. President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. I think we should get rid of democracy. 4. Liked these politically incorrect jokes? A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech. Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. He says to Edward: “It’s nice to see you Edward. See our new one liners or check one liner of the day. Q. Dick Cheney leans over and pulls him out. 8370 3273. They would thank you. 25 Really Funny Harry Potter Jokes There’s no intelligent life on this one.”, 41. A: The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance. 20 Really Funny Grammar Jokes or "Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" 45. This joke may contain profanity. Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”, 22. I’m afraid they’ll take it back.”. 21. Upon a closer look he notices that it is John Kerry. – Alexis de Toqueville.   Q. 39. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. By Frank. Mark Bolton. in Political Jokes +281-74. 10 Best Chris Christie Jokes How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. These politically incorrect jokes make fun of all the politicians you love to hate: George Bush, Barack Obama, Dick Cheney, and everyone in between. Penn Jillette. “What on Earth is he talking about?” “I don’t know. 1. All sorted from the best by our visitors. We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Blood and glass were everywhere. The two men notice the Pope and land the boat on the beach. 2. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'". 18. “I consider it a service to the Lord.” when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. “What is it?” exclaims the President. 120 Best Funny Pick Up Lines Apr 25, 2020 - Explore Jim Holt's board "Jokes for speeches" on Pinterest. A: Deep Throat. Jokes4us.com: Bill Clinton Jokes, 179 Steven Spielberg Quotes That Will Inspire You, 93 Funny One Liner Jokes So Good You'll Laugh Till You Cry, 37 Best Anthony Jeselnik Jokes & Quotes That Will Make You LOL, 55 Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes & Jokes That Will Make You LOL, 55 Best Funny Irish Blessings, Sayings, & Proverbs, 35 Best Funny Drinking Toasts For Friends You Need To Know, 15 Funny Insulting Names To Call Your Friends & More To Know, 49 Most Savage Roasts And Jokes List That Will Shut All Jerks Up, 35 Funny Spongebob Roasts, Quotes, And Jokes, 99+ [Unique] Funny & Serious Dog Names You Need To Know. There are some speeches elect jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. That’s something we speechwriters promote very hard in the context of all types of speeches – social, political, business, motivational, educational, etc. Mark Bolton. Everyone stands up and As the politicians started losing their tempers, one of them sneered at the other: “Have you heard of Bob Froyd?” “No.” admitted the other. “Nothing at all, boss. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. That last one fucked up my roof!” Chris Rock (Kill The Messenger), 9. Every nation enjoys political jokes, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes could be regarded as a type of extreme sport: according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code), "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital offense. They arrive there and start climbing. They include some of the best Bill Clinton jokes, not to mention Monica Lewinsky jokes. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our own money. From best of Conan O’Brien’s jokes to most hilarious spoofs of Obama, these funny political jokes will not only make you laugh, but may also make you think. No matter what side of the aisle you sit on, these political jokes will have you rolling down it. Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. David Letterman. A. Apr 25, 2020 - Explore Jim Holt's board "Jokes for speeches" on Pinterest. The politician's campaign speech was praised by a voter, who said: I admire the straightforward way you dodged all the issues.